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October 14th, 2004
08:34 pm
been a while huh? oh what? you didnt notice? thanks a bunch. you could have at least sent me some cookies. or a cake. or maybe some brownies or at least some chex mix. (returns 10 minutes later with about 2.5lbs of food)
sorry about that tirade, we were a bit famished.
so usually i just bother people with fairly long and incredibly nonsensical stories about either what i think about or do during my day. normally i tell people even if they dont want to hear about it. sometimes i tell myself when i dont want to hear about it. im a tough kid to live with. imagine dealing with that burden every day. i mean you sit down to accomplish something and all of a sudden you come in and complain that you got peanut butter stuck in your ear. oh the trials and tribulations of being jsto. its tough, but ive stuck it out with myelf and i apologize for those of you who have had to endure portions of the ridiculousness.
so i actually wrote this for a reason. it was to recount maybe one of the top 20 most ridiculous things that ive ever thought about. it probably wont make much sense to you, but just keep in mind that i was watching CNN in my living room while eating a hot pocket upside down (i was upside down, not the hot pocket-just a clarification). so i started thinking how cool it would be if we lived our whole life cycle backwards. i mean seriously. i know youve never thought about this before, but it would be tremendous. imagine it-you dont exist and then (or snap, crackle pop or whoosh or any other onomatopoeia you could think of)
so there you are, about 94 years old, wrinkly, decayed and completely cenile....and you just popped out of an enormous plant. ive yet to determine how the plant creates people, but just go with it, its some sort of humongous, DNA creating magical plant and it just created you.
so your old...but your only getting younger. you go to school-when you cant do anything else. i mean think about how smart you could get if you didnt have any distractions. and then you would have the entire prime of your life to do as you please (go forth and multiply).
your living your whole life care-free. youve had a great life. youve done everything you wanted to. you might have killed a few people, but whose counting. but then you realize that your getting smaller. oh my god im shrinking! you yell....or something slightly more witty and less 1980's. so you deal with this for a few years and you realize that you cant accomplish anything so you just kind of sit there until eventually you become so useless that you start urinating on yourself. boom! the best part of the reverse life-cycle comes.
so when your completely useless and about 19 inches tall- you just randomly get eaten by your mother(who might be your kid). not like vacuumed or like magically transplanted...but just like viciously eaten, torn limb from limb.
i thought about this today, while sitting upside down on my couch eating a hot pocket around 3:45EST. you wonder why i have no friends? i think not
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June 17th, 2004
10:26 pm - my boxing gloves are covered in garlic (lick)
do you feel like sometimess your tapioca pudding isnt tapioca pudding, but rather a secret fruit police agent trying to overrun your body with nutritional goodness? me either, although i probably would if i had ever eaten tapioca pudding.
so were out of school pretty much (what? school? who does that anyways?) which is kind of exceptional, seeing how i havnt exactly told work that i am not presently occupying my time with the haneous vice that is school. so basically im only working two days a week at this point. and then theres the fact that i only make it to work about 58% of the time. so basically im doing nothing. good to know that i have exceptional skill at being lazy. lets take a run through of the average day in my summer.
12am-still partying like rock star from the night before
1am-get home, go to sleep
2am-sleep
3am-sleep
4am-sleep
5am-sleep
6am-sleep
7am-sleep
8am-sleep
9am-sleep
10am-sleep
11am-sleep
12pm-i get up at about 12:15 and watch sportscenter for an hour.
1pm-i eat incessantly for about an hour
2pm-go to play golf
3pm-golf
4pm-golf
5pm-golf
6pm-sportscenter
7pm-dinner, also known as watching the red sox
8pm-red sox
9pm-red sox
10pm-depending on when i go out, this may be red sox post-game time
11pm-go out, have some drinks, cause general upheaval in the state of new hampshire
...and while you may think this schedule seems lienant, its actually all i can do to abide by it
in other news, me and chuckie dunn have devised a strategic plan for the senior prank, which involves hiring a manwhore, which will be sent to mr quinn's house. we (me and chuckie) will then proceed to take lots of pictures of mr quinn's interactions with the manwhore. we will also take a picture of the manwhore getting out of his car and we will then put the picture on photoshop and devise a clever logo for the manwhoring company. when we are done with this scheme, we will write a clever, witty editorial to be published in the beacon alongside the accompanying photos. it should be a fun senior year ladies and penguins.
but that scheming took about all of the brainpower that has been allotted for today (its like gas, we gotta conserve). in other news i lost $14 to my own fucking dad big john on the golf course today. the sad thing is that the only reason he plays with me is so that he can get money (he is the singlehanded laziest person in the entire world, retired at at 44-needless to say, he is my idol). that about wraps it up, the pandemonium is setting in, and the alcohol must not be very far behind. oh, and dennis kucinich still wont stop touching me
geooooooooooooooooooooorge
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June 15th, 2004
03:47 pm - its a traveshamockery....yes it is folks
wow...shes been a while since ive been postin her up. now, now, before you start thinking that ive been busy with school or anything, let me reinforce the fact that i do not participate in school or school-like activities (ie finals). but really, ive just been overwhelmingly lazy and i actually started to post this one time, but then it didnt work out too well. then my head hurt. so chuckie said something extremely funny to me today. i paraphrase a bit (a bit, chhhh)
chuckie: i had a dream last night that me and my brother were kung-fu fighting and that my brother was an evil ninja. and my brother got a razor blade and threw it at me, and it cut my leg in half. but then mom came out and yelled at him and told him to stop doing that. i thought we were just playing around having some fun, but apparently he was just in it to inflict pain upon my person. selfish people.
that had to be the highlight of my day. which doesnt say much about my day. so ill say some more about my day. i called lots of people wenches and repeated one of the weirdest things thats ever come out of my mouth
jack: eric, do you ever get the feeling that your tapioca pudding isnt pudding at all, but really its the secret agent of the fruit police and they are trying to overrun your body with nutritional goodness?
that was also quite ridiculous. just like my entire cumqauttish life (yes, cumquat is an adjective, stop questioning me). my entire week has been odd, and yet normal. lets start it off.
friday: we stole my friends car about 4 hours before his graduation. we drove around the exeter/portsmouth area for about 90 minutes, until we brought it back (it was running out of gas). so he almost missed his graduation, which would have been stupendous.
saturday: i went to work. not so ridiculous for most people. but i find some way to enrich my experience. i take the governor off a golf-cart and then drive it down a hill and jump off. that usually gets my day going swell. after that, i got rid of some cardboard boxes, but there was no room in the dumpster, so i burned them and it smelled REAL bad. kind of like carbon monoxide (if it actually had a smell and wasnt a colorless, odorless killing machine).
sunday: oh my god, i studied, what? i knew something weird had happened to me this week. but that was only out of sheer necessity. i hadnt done any work all semester for finley, so i was a solid 3-4 months behind. i also tried to race a ducatti motorcycle on the spaulding on sunday. needless to say, i didnt win. but then we saw his friend on a ninja get pulled over. cops hate motorcycles. i hate cops. dupont got pulled over for criminal speeding. i hate dupont.
monday: i "took" a spanish exam, which is coincidentally very close to putting your head down and taking a nap for the second half of the exam. needless to say, i will still get an F even after she scales it, but hey, as long as she dies a horribly painful death and her children make my pants, all is right with the world.
today is tuesday, and i could make up some ridiculous stories about the upcoming week, but that would be lying, which is bad like cabbage, so i will go and do some more fun stuff that i will right about in my follow-up entries. but really, dont you wish you could be as cool as mr. sassypants dennis kucinich?
monday:
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June 7th, 2004
10:10 pm - Vote for J-Sto
so basically, after failing to complete the social justice paper in a timely manner, i have discovered that, as a republican, that i have a very hard time determining who to vote for this november. I would have to say that at present, i am on the anybodybutthatdouchebagkerry bandwagon. nader is just a joke. i mean at no point in history has the situation gotten to a point where a third party candidate, running on a mono-stylistic platform, successfully done anything beyond scratching his own ass in an election year. so that leaves me with bush, who, even though he is clearly not perfect, has been a very serviceable, honest and satisfactory 44th president.
but besides all that, i've found that i have far less quarrels with going off the beaten path and getting centered. on my self of course. i figure that i cant be president for about 17 years, so i figure if i start now, when im eligible, ill have four votes. but think about it. i know i have no qualifications, but seriously, i think i would be a great president. i would bring humor to washington, i would say things that no one would understand, and i possess unprecedented skills to baffle people with my ridiculousness. i would just be sitting there with foreign leaders who know third-rate english and i would be making up words and using words in uncharacteristic ways (think pinapplish) and they wouldnt know what to do. rhey would feel really stupid and would be forced to give in to all of my demands, which would consist of many frivolous things that a person would not need in any situation that is feasible. after all, the american dream consists of possessing more than you could possibly use in your entire life. so i figure id build an amusement park at the white house, start a cotton plantation where people could relive history (ie small black people).
basically people would just be forced to bow down before my excellence. ive already successfully scored higher on my SATs than george bush and drinken more than he is in his entire life. i am better than him. but in the absence of myself on the ballot, i feel it will be my duty to keep the god damn democrats away from my glorified, pure america. if by a stroke of god all republicans died and john kerry were to win this coming november, the entire world would end.
think about these stated goals of john kerry:
-raise spending for social programs (ie medicare, debt-relief)
-increase defense and intelligence spending (for a safer america)
-lower taxes for the average american (even though the success of our country relies heavily on the leadership and abilities of the richest in our society, who provide the government with services (ie building military bases like they did in iraq)
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add all of these up, and john kerry wants to lower the national defecit
if you have any respect for yourself or your country, dont vote for kerry.
oh, and stay away from blue cabbage.
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June 5th, 2004
09:54 pm - hasan chop...oh my god...my shishkabob
i feel stupid and contagious. so ive got some advice for you people out there in listener land (chester).
first, when your at work and your acting a little weird, its not a good idea to tell your boss that your high, and then when he laughs at you, proceed to look at him blankly like you have no idea why that would possibly be funny.
secondly, do not try to put out your flaming couch with your nose. it may seem to be a good idea, but in fact, carrots no not even remotely resemble a fire hose.
thirdly, when told you can "get whatever you want, as long as you get it yourself" at the good ol' PGC, apparently that doesnt exclude the alcohol in the basement.
on a personal note, i deemed myself the laziest person in the world on thursday night, sometime around 11:30p.m. when i had successfully just used a golf club to open the minifridge, while then rolling it across the floor to myself. that was only the first straw. later, when i got pissed after the angels hit a homerun, i threw the remote. so im sitting there with an empty bottle and no remote control. so the obvious choice is to coaxe my dog into coming over, picking the remote up in its mouth, and bringing it back. i then proceeded to have a small knighting ceremony in which i poured some terrible cream liquor all over my head and then licked my face for like five minutes (seriously). if you can give me a reasonable argument as to how you could classify yourself as being either (1)lazier than me or (2)more generally fucked up then me, then please respond and tell me an amusing story, id really like to hear it.
oh, and have a happy festivus.
george
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June 1st, 2004
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